Snippets
by picpicpic
Summary: Unrelated one shots; imagined Moments; Severide-Casey. When relevant, chapter numbers will appear in Brackets.
1. VENTING (4X20)

**VENTING (4X20)**

23:02 Incoming Message, From: Severide:

ROOF IN 20M?

23:03 Incoming Message, From: Casey:

SURE

..

Casey knows what such an invitation, at this hour, after shift, entails. It means Kelly needs to vent. It means he'd failed to or avoided erasing his condition at Molly's and/or couldn't find or avoided looking for a partner of the opposite sex to the same end. It means he's in pain. It means he needs Casey, in a way he very rarely allows himself to need anyone. And Casey is more than happy to be there, to be that person for Severide, to be allowed to experience Severide in a way that almost no one else got to.

He has a pretty good idea what it is that's paining Kelly, had seen him struggle throughout the day with hiding the truth from JJ, distracting him while his mother was fighting for justice and her life. He could see the weight on Kelly's shoulders, the effort it had taken to support the boy and keep a strong posture and he was astounded at Kelly's composure. Only at one point did it seem Kelly might let something loose, that something might spill out, but with a quick exchange with Casey in Boden's office, he reeled it all back in and held his grip. Now, Matt was guessing, was the time for things to untwine.

When Matt arrives at the roof, he's surprised to find it empty. He was pretty sure Kelly would already be up there taking in the scenery or sprawled on a beach chair downing a beer. The crisp night air, the twinkling lights of the Chicago metropolis and the semi-seclusion of the roof, making this a perfect and private spot to clear their heads and their hearts (not that they'd define it like that. And not that they do it so often. But it's theirs. And they like to think it's only theirs.)

Kelly arrives ten minutes later, bursting through the door, panting, a six-pack in his hand and a worried look in his eyes.

 _"Sorry, sorry. I stopped to get beer, sorry I'm late, sorry."_

 _"Whoa, okay, Kelly, slow down, it's fine. It's fine."_

Matt can feel the fear coming off Kelly as if he was sure Matt would not be there, would have given up and gone by now.

 _"Come here,"_ Matt says as he approaches Kelly, his arms open slightly to pull Kelly into an embrace.  
He wishes to calm Kelly, to ground him, give him back some of the assurance he seems to be missing.  
When Kelly reads this as a casual greeting, habitually moving to release from the hold, Matt tightens his arms around him.

 _"Hey, hey, just wait. Kel, just, stay,"_ he whispers in his ear as he holds him. _"You okay?"_

Matt asks without releasing his grip, and he can feel Kelly relax into his touch, his hands griping at Matt's shirt.

 _"Today was shit."_ Kelly answers into the crook of Matt's shoulder, _"from beginning to end. Shit."_

 _"Yes, it was. I'm so sorry, Kelly. You were incredible today. Incredible."_

And with the last word he tightens his hold on Kelly, even more, trying to portray the impact Kelly has on him or convince him of his merits.

.

 _"We weren't even together,"_ Kelly says as he eventually pulls away from Matt, something in the ease of their proximity making him uncomfortable.  
 _"Bianca and I, we weren't together. The chemistry was there, the pull, but we didn't, it never got that far. Why does this keep happening Matt?"_

 _"What do you mean?"_ Matt says as he takes a beer from Kelly and they settle down on the chairs, their faces away from each other, their eyes to the sky.

 _"Think about it – Bianca, Alex, Jamie, Renee, Shay. Every woman I'm somehow involved with either dies or moves to the other side of the country.  
I just can't seem to get a break. And I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't all one-night stands and passing things. It hasn't been for a while now, but I don't think anyone's even noticed. I gave those women what they wanted – help, comfort, security, a let out, sex too yeah, but, I gave it as much of a chance as I could, and they still left._

 _"They leave, and it's like they take something from me. It's clear to everybody that I'll be fine, I'll go on, or whatever, but then I need to start over again, and I don't know, I don't know if I have the energy to keep doing it. I just…_ _I look at you and Dawson, the way you're there for each other, the way you support each other, the way you can just… be, with each other, rest, and I just… I haven't had that since, since, Shay. And I don't know why, why don't I deserve that."_

 _"Of course you deserve it, Kelly. And you'll find it, you just need to-"_

 _"Need to what? What, Matt, what am I doing wrong?"_

 _"Nothing Kelly, you're not doing anything wrong. You're doing everything right. But, you're drawn to strong independent women, who won't give up on what they want for you. As much as you won't give up on what you want for them."_

 _"You won't either, and you've made it work,"_

 _"Yeah well, that was luck I guess, and it hasn't all been easy,"_ Matt's tone changes while he speaks.

 _"I know. Sorry."_

They sit in silence for a while, thinking over their conversation.

 _"I miss Shay."_ Kelly says suddenly, and Matt can hear the pain in his voice.

 _"I know you do."_

 _"Everything was easy with Shay."_

 _"No, it wasn't,"_ Matt says lightly, smiling, reminding Kelly not to nostalgically idealize the past and his lost friend, _"but maybe that's part of the problem."_

 _"What do you mean?"_

 _"You had the perfect set-up with Shay. You knew you had love and stability with Shay, without the messy scary part of commitment. Then you could go out and have as many flings as you wanted. She gave you the emotional out you're now lacking."_

Something in Matt's words rings very accurate in Kelly's ears but something flairs inside him. It's a cheap sum-up of his arrangement with Shay and it makes him angry. He gets up suddenly, walking silently to the edge of the roof, leaning against the low wall, looking at the city. Matt knows to give him time. His analysis might have been too strongly formulated, but he hopes Kelly knows he meant well.

After a couple more minutes, he comes to stand by Kelly. Kelly can feel him by his side but doesn't turn his head.

 _"I'm not a kid anymore, you know? And it's not about getting married or whatever, I don't care about that, it's just, why am I so easy to leave?"_

 _"You're not Kelly. You know you're not. Each of them is a different story with different circumstances."_

 _"But they all end the same."_

 _"It's not because of you, trust me. People who know you, truly know you, know how dedicated and involved you are, how you can invest yourself in the deepest way.  
_ _If things were different, if they could, they would have stayed. Some of them at least. And you'll find it eventually. I have no doubt about it."_

They stand in silence for a moment, letting the words sink in, and then Matt turns to stand with his back to the city, his face turned away from Kelly, his eyes to the floor.

" _And if I were batting for the other team, Kelly, I'd wouldn't let you out of my sight."_

With that he walks away, leaving Kelly with his thoughts. Only when he reaches the door, does Matt turn to look at Kelly, finding Kelly's eyes on him. They hold their gazes for a moment, unspoken prospects running between them before Matt disappears into the building.


	2. RANTING (4X22)

**RANTING (4X22)**

 _"Hey,"_ Kelly says as he walks into the apartment, curious to find Matt alone, in the living room, open beer cans around him.

 _"Hi,"_ Matt answers, his low tone portraying his mood.

 _"No Dawes?"_

 _"No. No Dawes. No. Dawes."_

 _"Okay…"_ Kelly treads lightly, trying to assess Matt's mood and sobriety, _"Anything happen? You wanna talk about it?"_

 _"No. I want to drink my weight in alcohol and fucking forget about it."_ Matt answers darkly.

 _"Sounds great."_ Kelly smiles as he pulls a six-pack from his backpack, his eyebrows shooting up in a suggestive question.

 _"Welcome!"_ Matt huffs laughingly, as he makes room for Kelly on the couch.

 _"Anything on? Anyone playing?"_ Kelly asks, trying to distract Matt from the thoughts rattling in his head.

 _"No, too late. But I recorded yesterday's Hawks game for Gabby… so there's that."_

 _"That it is then,"_ Kelly says as he fiddles with the remote control.

 _"She's just, so…. aaaghh!"_

 _2 minutes, 40 seconds,_ Kelly thinks to himself, could have been worse.

 _"What, Matt? She's what? What happened?"_

 _"She decided to adopt that kid."_

 _"She what?"_

 _"Yeah. She decided, on her own, that she's adopting that boy from the fire, on her own."_

 _"What do you mean on her own? What about you?"_

 _"Exactly! I was hesitant for like 5 minutes, trying to look at it in a rational way, think things through, and suddenly, she's all, 'you're not ready and that's fine but this is the right time for me and I'm doing it.'"_

 _"So, you don't want to adopt the boy?"_

 _"That's not the point!"_

 _"Oh, sorry. What's the point then?"_

 _"The point is, that it's so fucking easy for her to just push me aside and make her own decisions and just leave, for a boy she doesn't know yet if she can adopt. It's like I come last after everything! She wants to be a firefighter - we put out relationship on hold, she wants to be an adoptive mother - we put our relationship on hold. I just, I don't understand anymore. What's the point, if it's so one-sided? It's like our relationship is a filler between other things for her."_

 _"I'm sorry, man."_ Kelly offers, knowing it's not going to help or make a difference.

 _"Yeah, well…"_

 _"But, what does it mean? You're off? You're not together?"_

 _"I'm not even sure. She's so determined to do this on her own, she didn't exactly make me feel like I'm welcome to be a part of it. And she left things between us so open, I have no idea where we stand."_

 _"What do you want?"_

 _"Her! I love her, I want to make her happy, but I don't want to be in a relationship feeling like this, feeling second best to everything, feeling like I love her more than she does me."_

Kelly inhales sharply at that _, "That's a shit feeling. I'm sorry man."_

 _"Thanks. Sorry. I said I wasn't gonna talk about it and then I just dumped it on you."_

 _"It's fine, don't worry about it. happy to listen."_

They sit in silence for a while, absentmindedly watching the game.

 _"What would you do?"_ Matt asks suddenly, his voice small and bashful.

 _"In your shoes? I don't know. My relationships always end faster than that, it's always clear there's no real question, we each remain free to go, no strings attached. But that's the other side of it - no strings attached."_

 _"You ever regret it?"_

 _"You know I do."_ Kelly says earnestly, referring to their private conversation on the roof a few weeks earlier, in which he'd hinted to his loneliness.

 _"So, you think I should fight for her?"_

 _"I don't know. You don't deserve to feel like that. You deserve someone who makes you feel good and worthy and cared for. Someone who will try their best to put you first."_

 _"You think she doesn't try?"_

 _"It's not about what I think Matt, it's about what you're experiencing. I just hope you realize you deserve good, Matt."_

 _"Yeah well,"_

 _"You do, Matt."_ Kelly says, letting his fingers rest on Matt's wrist, _"you're good and you des-"_

 _"Kelly,"_ Matt pulls back his hand suddenly, his eyes huge as they fly between Kelly's eyes and fingers and his own wrist.

 _"What?"_ Kelly asks, confused, his eyes follow Matt's worriedly.

 _"Your fingers are freezing,"_

 _"From the beer bottle, sorr-"_

 _"No. I mean. That was, that was, that really turned me on,"_

 _"What? How drunk are you right now?"_

 _"Some. But I mean, I don't know, that was, like a flash through my body. That was,"_

When Matt raises his eyes again to Kelly, his wrist still lying in his other hand, like he's protecting it, he can see the worry and the wonder in Kelly's eyes.  
Something about the moment and that feeling in his body and the look in Kelly's eyes just pulls him in, encouraging to look further for that feeling, that flash of heat or cold through his body.

Kelly can see the question in his eyes, everything else momentarily forgotten. It's a physical force that pushes Matt toward him and in the split second he must react, must make a decision between accepting and declining, between letting Matt's curiosity lead and reason to take over.

 _"Matt,"_ he whispers, and Matt's eye fly open into his, huge and lost and blue. _"You don't want to do this,"_

 _"You sure?"_ Matt whispers back, their back and forth becoming hurried.  
Kelly can see the inner struggle between hurt, reason, and alcohol developing inside Matt.

 _"Yes, pretty sure,"_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Because you're drunk and you're in pain and I don't think it's what you really want to do in this condition. Because I don't want you to do this in this condition. Because you're too important to me to ruin over a drunk mistake."_

 _"Hmmm,"_ Matt says as his eyes become heavy, _"that's a lot of reasons…"_ his direction changes from leaning forward towards Kelly to leaning sideways onto the backrest of the couch.

 _"Yeah,"_ Kelly says relentingly, smiling as he watches Matt succumb to his fatigue.

" _What if I weren't drunk?"_ Matt succeeds to mumble quietly, his eyes already closed, _"Would you let me kiss you then?"_

And then he doses off, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

Kelly stays seated by him for a few moments, looking at him sleeping calmly. He then gets up and covers him with the throw-over, before clearing the beer bottles to the kitchen.

But on his way back through the living room to his bed room, he leans quickly over matt, laying a gentle kiss on his hair, whispering softly in his ear, _"Yes."_


	3. BROTHERS (5x06)

**BROTHERS (5X06)**

 _"I hate it when you're right."_ Severide says suddenly. Up until that moment he'd been quiet and pensive, an uncomfortable annoyance radiating off him as they checked in their bags and made their way to the gate. But sitting next to Matt on the plane to New-York, the words inevitably fall from his mouth. _"I thought I could read people. And I was going to let a guilty man go."_

 _"You couldn't have known, Sev, don't beat yourself up about it."_

 _"You knew,"_

 _"No, I didn't, I just don't trust people in the first place. It's not necessarily a good trait…"_

 _"Well, you were right."_

 _"I'm not happy about being right, it doesn't make that woman any less dead. I still couldn't save her."_

 _"You did your best. We were just too late. Her husband made sure of that when he set the fire from his app. Asshole."_

 _"Yeah."_

 _"I hate when we fight, even more than I hate it when you're right."_ Kelly says, a small smile on his lips, but his eyes are sincere.

 _"Me too_ ," Matt mumbles, suddenly uncomfortable by Kelly's confession. _"So, New-York, you think we'll have some time to look around? I've never been…"_

 _"Hell yeah,"_ Kelly grins _, "we're taking Chief to his reunion, and the rest of the day is ours. Our flight back doesn't leave until 3:00 in the morning, so we'll have time."_

 _"Cool."_

 _…_

 _"Hey, Sev,"_ Matt says quietly, biting his lips in worry, as they stand at the National September 11th memorial site.

 _"Yeah?"_

 _"I'm really glad we're here together, that we were here to see that."_ He says, referring to Boden's reunion with the firefighters that had worked during the fall of the towers.

 _"Yeah, me too."_

 _"You think Boden will be okay?"_

 _"Yeah, yeah," Kelly says pensively. "These are his brothers, they got his back."_

 _"Yeah," Matt nods, thinking Kelly's words over._

 _"Like we're brothers, Matt_." Kelly continues, turning to face Matt, an emphasizing tone to his words. _"I've got your back, Matt, always. Even when we disagree, or fight, or I'm being a dick. I got your back."_

 _"I know,"_

 _"I'm here."_

 _"I know, Kelly, me too. Brothers, always."_

 _"Okay, good."_

They stand in an awkward silence for a moment, Matt suddenly worried at Kelly's statement.

 _"Everything okay with you?"_ he asks, reluctant to hear the answer.

 _"Yeah. I just wanted you to know. You've got me. No matter what."_

 _"Okay."_

 _"Okay."_ He says wrapping up their conversation, and the moment. _"How 'bout a hot-dog? I'm starving. And I know a place."_

 _"Yeah? Yeah, sure. Lead the way."_ Matt's quick to reply, following Kelly's lead on moving on from their shared confession. It's nothing new, to either of them, but sometimes it's good to hear, to be made sure, and to remind himself, that there's a bigger picture; and in it, there's someone who cares, someone in his corner, that he's not alone, that he has – a brother.


	4. NIGHT-TIME CONFESSION

**NIGHT-TIME CONFESSION**

 _"Hello? What? Yes, I'll accept the call.  
Severide, what the hell?" _

Matt takes the time to listen, fighting sleep, trying hard to focus on the words coming from the other side of the line. _"I'll be right there."_

 _"Where you going baby? It's the middle of the night."_ Dawson mutters sleepily.

 _"Severide's been arrested. I have to go bail him out."_

 _"Shit. You want me to come with you?"_

 _"No, no, baby, sleep. I'll be back as soon as I can."_

 _..._

They were silent throughout it all. Matt's mind reeling between frustration and worry, wanting an explanation to Kelly's ever-growing erratic behavior. It's been going on for weeks now, but this is a new low. Especially with the bruises and cuts now decorating Kelly's face.

Kelly, on the other hand, is so ashamed of having gotten into this situation, of having lost control and needing to ask Matt to literally bail him out, he can't look Matt in the eyes. He'd followed Matt silently to the car, after having mumbled a low 'thank you' as he came out of the holding cell to collect his things.

Now they drive silently through the city, their eyes on the road, on their way to Kelly's apartment.  
Matt parks the car when they arrive, and they sit in silence for a while, not knowing how to breach the subject.  
Eventually, Matt breaks the silence, trying to control his voice and convey more worry than anger.

 _"What happened tonight Severide?"_

 _"Bar fight."_

 _"Bar fight? Really? That's all you're going to say? It's been years since you've been in a bar fight and I've never seen you come out so banged up from a bar fight, usually the other guy gets it much worse."_

 _"Yeah, well…"_

 _"Kelly, what's going on?"_

 _"I uh, tried to pick up the bartender, and this dude sitting there didn't really like it and decided to let me know."_

 _"Why, was she his girlfriend or something?"_

 _"No, Matt, he was a he. And apparently, not everyone's cool with that yet."_

 _"Uh, sorry, what?! Since when do you…?"_

 _"You ever try it, Matt? Sleeping with a man?"_

Kelly's voice is tired but sincere and Matt just shakes his head, overwhelmed by what he's finding out about his friend. Surprised that something this important has managed to remain hidden for the long years they've known each other. It makes him question what else is kept under wraps between them.

 _"Well, it's definitely different than sleeping with a woman but not bad different. There's something very comfortable about the partner being as strong as me, as sturdy. And, knowing what they're experiencing physically because our anatomy is the same, I don't know, for me it's comforting. Sorry if that's too much information."_

 _"No, it's fine."_ Matt mumbles, taken by surprise at Kelly's words.

It's not so much the content as it is the way Kelly is speaking. He's never heard Kelly speak so openly about his private experiences. He's always been guarded and economical with his words. In a way it's unnerving, a further indication the something really is up with him.

 _"It's not a regular thing, Matt, it doesn't happen often. Just sometimes, when I…"_

 _"Why did it happen tonight, Kelly? What's going on with you?"_

 _"I don't want to talk about it and you don't want to know, Matt, trust me. It's better you don't know."_

 _"Listen, Kelly, I know things with us haven't always been… stable. But you can talk to me about anything. I have your back, always. It's what we do. I know you'd have mine if something was wrong. So, I want to know. If something is wrong, I want to know, I want to be there for you. Whatever it is, you don't have to go through it alone."_

Kelly looks at Matt for a moment, examining his features. Then Matt sees something change in his eyes, and his hand reaches for the door handle, opening the door and turning so his feet are out of the car, his back to Matt.

 _"Kelly,"_ Matt tries again, not knowing exactly what he wants to say, but knowing he wants him to stay.

 _"He looked like you, Matt, the bartender…"_ Kelly says with his back to Matt, his head only slightly turned so Matt could hear him. His eyes shut with embarrassment. _"That's why I was hitting on him. Because he reminded me of you. I have this thing for you and I can't get past it."_

When Matt doesn't answer, frozen at the wheel, not comprehending what Kelly means, Kelly turns his head to look at Matt, knowing he's probably ruined any friendship they've sustained until now. But Matt doesn't move, doesn't look at him, doesn't react.

 _"I told you it's better you didn't know. I'm sorry. Just forget about it."_ Kelly says hurriedly, getting up and out of the car, wishing the ground would open and swallow him there and then, regretting calling Matt for help and ever opening his mouth. It probably would have been easier to just sit the night in jail.

" _Thanks for tonight, Matt. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry."_

With that, he shuts the door, unable to face Matt any longer.

Letting himself into the building, he runs up the 3 stories two steps at a time, kicking himself mentally for saying anything but also high on adrenaline for having revealed his emotions.

In his apartment, he looks through the window to check if Matt has driven off, but he can see the car parked where he left it. Matt's figure still sitting frozen at the wheel.  
Unsure what to do, he waits, looking at the car, waiting for it to drive off.  
After another few minutes, he picks up his phone.

03:46 Outgoing Message, To: Casey:

CASEY, YOU CAN'T SIT THERE ALL NIGHT. GO HOME.

Through the window, he can see Matt reach for his phone. His eyes soon look out the windshield to find Kelly at his window.  
Kelly wishes he would have closed the curtains or took a step back so Matt couldn't see him, knowing now he has, he can't hide without looking completely ridiculous.

It's too dark to read Matt's expression, but he still can't understand why he's sitting there, can't understand what mood his in; Is he pissed out of his mind? Disgusted and angry at Kelly's condition? Is he disappointed at Kelly's cowardly behavior?  
All these thoughts go through his head, but he can't tear his eyes away from Matt.  
They remain like that for another few seconds, looking at each other through glass windows until Matt suddenly bows his head to his phone. His face lit by the bright blue light of the machine.

03:52 Incoming Message, From: Casey:

WE'RE NOT THROUGH TALKING ABOUT THIS.

03:53 Outgoing Message, To: Casey:

YES, WE ARE. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. JUST FORGET ABOUT IT. It's MY PROBLEM AND I'LL DEAL WITH IT. GO HOME.

03:55 Incoming Message, From: Casey:

LIKE YOU'VE DEALT WITH IT TONIGHT? GREAT. LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT. SHOULD I SEND AROUND A BOOT FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU NEED BAIL?

03:55 Outgoing Message, To: Casey

FUCK YOU

Casey writes a deletes another 3 messages before he gives up and throws the phone down on the seat next to him.  
He meant it as a joke, but it was probably too soon for that and came out too harsh. Now he doesn't know how to answer without sound patronizing or like a complete dick or without giving Severide the wrong impression. He's anyway too tired and confused to figure out what he really wants to say. But he's always hated leaving things unfinished and in anger.

Looking up at Kelly's window again, he doesn't see him anymore, figuring he'd given up in anger and frustration as well. He picks up his phone again, sends one last message before turning the engine on and driving off home.

03:59 Incoming Message, From: Casey:

SORRY. YOUR CAR'S NOT HERE. I'LL PICK YOU UP TOMORROW AT 7:35 FOR SHIFT. NO ARGUMENTS. GOOD NIGHT.


	5. ADMISSION (5X10)

**ADMISSION (5X10)**

 _"OK, I know we all want to stay but there's work to do out there."_

 _"Understood chief,"_ was what he'd said; It slid off his tongue automatically, slipping into the role, making him the leader he is. But his insides are screaming as he makes his way out to the truck.

 _"Chief,"_ he catches up to Boden, _"give me two minutes,"_

He knows it's out of character, he knows it's too personal, he knows it's weak, but he has to see for himself. He doesn't care how he'll explain it to Kidd, doesn't need to explain it to the rest, they've known both him and Severide for years now. They know their connection, even at its lowest.

Boden looks at Matt with a hard stare for a moment and then agrees with the slightest nod. Without waiting for another word, Matt makes his way back inside the hospital, to find Kelly's room.

 _"Kidd,"_ he uses his most authoritative voice, to avoid any question. _"go get yourself a coffee."_  
Stella raises her eyes at him, unsure if he's serious, a declination on the tip of her tongue until she figures it's not about her but about him. She leaves the room quietly, giving them privacy.

Matt takes a moment to look at Kelly, lying peacefully on the bed. He looks like he's sleeping, and Matt has to remind himself, that basically, he is, the doctors having found nothing too drastic.

With that thought Matt nears the bed, edging towards Kelly's head, afraid to touch him, in case he inflicts pain or does any harm. But his fingers raise of their own to Kelly's hair, caressing it lightly, his lips near Kelly's ear.

 _"Kelly,"_ he whispers, unsure what he wants to say or if the laying man can even hear him, _"you have to wake up. You have to come back."_

He raises his head, to look at Kelly's, to see if his words have been registered in any way, but Kelly's calm features haven't changed. He kicks himself for his inability to say what he really wants, to admit the depth of his connection to Kelly. _What are you afraid of?_ He challenges himself, _the guy is literally out. And this might be your only chance._

Before he can even think about it, Matt sets a fluttering kiss on the side of Kelly's head, nuzzling momentarily into his smoke stricken hair, before his lips find Kelly's ear again.

 _"When I need to escape everything, when I need quiet, when I need good thoughts, my mind turns to you. Always you. So, you have to wake up for me, you have to still be here."_

With that he pulls himself together, pulls himself away from Kelly and out of the room, looking back from the doorway to see that Kelly is still very much asleep.

…

Hours later Kelly awakes to find Kidd at his bedside, filling a crossword puzzle. He's happy to find someone by his side but is weirdly disappointed it's not Matt. He can't really explain it, but after exchanging basic banter with her, he asks Stella for her cellphone to call Matt.

 _"Matt,"_ he sighs in relief as the blond lieutenant answer his phone.

 _"Kelly,"_ he can hear Matt's relief at the sound of his voice, _"it's good to hear from you. How are you feeling?"_

 _"Like I jumped out of a second story window,"_ Kelly tries to joke like he did with Clarke.

 _"Yeah,"_ Matt says contemplatively, _"D_ _on't do that again."_

 _"It was that or the fire, Matt,"_ Kelly admits, and Matt can hear the fear underlying his sure voice.

" _I know."_ Matt answers quietly, _"just, let that be the last time, okay? We need you with us."_

When Kelly doesn't answer, Matt's afraid he might have said too much. He's still not sure if Kelly's aware of their one-sided conversation earlier in the Hospital.

 _"Get some rest, Severide, Gabby and I will come by later."_ In the pit of his stomach, he hates having to return to semi-formalities, but he knows it's the appearances they must keep.

 _"Yeah,"_ Kelly says softly before they hang up, and with that Matt knows they both know everything lying unspoken under the surface.


	6. DISTRACTION (5X10)

**DISTRACTION (5X10)**

 _"Last chance to back out."_

Something in Clarke's voice sends shivers down Kelly's spine, making him even more nervous than he already is. He can feel the doctor's every movement and touch on his back as he waits for the procedure to begin and the pain to come.

That's something you don't have when you run into a burning building – the waiting, – you arrive at the scene and you jump into whatever's happening; Your body is there, your mind is there, and there is no time.

But now, lying face down on the table, his back exposed, fearing the pain to come, it's perhaps the most anxious he's ever been.  
He can't fathom how Anna survived waiting for so long. 14 months, she'd said. _Anna_ , no there was no backing out now, not when he knows he's her one chance. And she HAS to live. He can't explain it, but he can feel it. He KNOWS. He nods his head lightly, signaling Clarke to go on. He'll bite the bullet.

It's when Kelly gasps loudly as he feels the needle go in that Matt pushes himself forward on the wheeling stool, leveling himself with Kelly's head. He takes hold of Kelly's hand, his eyes finding Kelly's pained gaze. The plan was to be there, waiting in the back, just in case Kelly needed him, or someone. He knows how Kelly hates people seeing him when he's down, would rather do it all by himself, but this is just too fucking much.

When Kelly grunts again with pain, he feels it's not enough, his other hand goes around Kelly's head, stroking at his hair, which is slowly dampening with sweat.

 _"Shhhhh, Kelly,"_ he tries to calm Kelly down, take the pain away, feeling completely inept and useless.

 _"Matt,"_ Kelly mumbles with an injured voice before breaking into an all-consuming roar of pain. _"Matt, please, help me,"_ he pleads as he comes down, panting, his hand crushing at Matt's.

 _"How?"_ Matt asks, the most serious and worried look on his face.

He can't put to words how incredibly brave and strong he finds Kelly, incredibly incredible, if that's a thing, inspiring - giving someone, practically a stranger, so much; enduring so much pain.

 _"Distract me, Matt, do anything, just, distract me,"_ he mumbles desperately before another loud growl leaves his lungs as he fights to keep himself still. Matt can feel his muscles contorting with his struggle.

 _"Severide, you have to stay still,"_ Clarke's alarmed voice can be heard from somewhere behind Kelly.

Matt's eyes scan Kelly's face, his mind reeling as he tries to think of anything to do to distract Kelly, coming up with nothing. He can see the sweat rolling down Kelly's forehead, feel Kelly's breath on his nose as Kelly pants against the pain.

And then, without really thinking about it, his lips seal on Kelly's, like he's trying to drown Kelly's scream.

It wasn't a conscious decision, really, but it seems to work. Kelly's attention snaps on to Matt's lips, his lips latching on hungrily. It's instant, unconscious, a reflex. It takes him a moment to even realize what's happened and that it's Matt that he's now kissing. The silence of the doctors around them is loud but soon forgotten.

It's only in the second or third moment that he begins to register what it is he's feeling, physically and emotionally. Matt's lips are warm and sweet, softer than he'd thought, and intriguing. He can feel Matt's hesitation at first, the initial shock after the first contact. Then the shock that Kelly's reciprocating, not pushing back but pushing further, the understanding that this is helping, taking Kelly's mind off his back.

Though the angle is weird and uncomfortable, they both keep at it, Kelly sucking lightly on Matt's bottom lip while his fingers absentmindedly rest on Matt's cheek, his tongue brushing along it, requesting access. And Matt forgets everything. Forgets the doctors and the machines buzzing around, forgets it's his best friend he's kissing, forgets he's a man, forgets Gabby, and just allows Kelly and himself to explore this new contact. All his unexpressed, bottled up appreciation cascades into this moment, flows between their lips and tongues; Delicate and soothing and lively they curiously investigate this newfound connection. And the awakening sensations it brings with it.

 _"Done,"_ Clarke's voice suddenly pulls them from their own thoughts into the reality of the room around them. But before Matt can even focus enough to think of what to say, how to explain himself and his actions, question what it means, Kelly mumbles something on his lips, his hand holding Matt's face firmly in place.

 _"Thank you."_

His voice is grateful and relieved, setting their kiss as a necessity, a helpful gesture between friends, thus wiping away any awkwardness or guilt between them. No need to talk about it any further, even if each of them takes it with him, storing it to memory in whatever way he finds fit.


	7. GUILTY (5X20)

**Guilty** (5X20)

 _"Hey, guys, let's clear out. Give Severide some space."_

Even without a word, Matt could see Severide's need to be alone. Keeping to himself, staring out the window, his body rigid, a pained look in his eyes. He looks so lost as he gazes around the room, trying to avoid the people standing about, but probably seeing snippets and memories of times shared with Anna.

 _"_ _Absolutely."_ Chief's voice rings clear and unwavering, indicating his (wo)men to leave.

Mumbling condolences and heartfelt offers of help and support, knowing full well Severide will never act on them, they slowly clear the room.  
Matt's eyes following Severide as he makes his way to the soft chairs in front of the fireplace.  
But just as he closes the door, literally seconds before they're cut off from one another, he hears Severide's voice.

 _"_ _Matt,"_

It's just a whisper, but as pained as he'd ever heard Kelly express himself.  
Without a second's hesitation he squeezes Gabby's shoulder, tilting his head in silent indication before he slips back in and makes his way to sit beside Severide.

He can see Kelly struggling, staring forward, tears brimming in his eyes as he refuses to let go.

Slowly extending a hand, Matt gently takes hold of Kelly's hand as it rests on Kelly's thigh, entwining their fingers.  
He hears Kelly's breath hitch, notes the tears silently flow uncontrollably down his cheeks, feels Kelly tightens his grip on Matt's hand.

They sit like that, in silence, for a while. Matt's presence providing genuine support rather than empty condolences.

Eventually, Kelly inhales shakily, his other hand comes to wipe his eyes, rubbing his face.  
 _"_ _I have the most selfish thought going through my head. I feel guilty even thinking it,"_ he says quietly, his eyes again fixed on the fireplace.

 _"_ _Whatever you're feeling, it's legit. You have nothing to feel guilty about.  
And you're allowed to be as selfish as you want. It's just you and me here."_

Kelly's eyes move to find Matt's face as if searching for something. His eyes growing wider, as the thought rolls off his lips.

 _"_ _She died on me. She's another one that's left me. and I loved her, Matt, I love her. She was so easy to love."_

Taken by surprise, Matt sits silently, letting Kelly's words sink in, or float around the room.  
Kelly was never one to admit such feelings outside of a relationship, and his relationship with Anna was moderately short. Extremely intense, perhaps, but rather short.  
Before he can even think of what to say, Kelly speaks again, his words emptying his mind and filling the silence.

 _"_ _I knew what I was getting into, I knew from the start she was sick. I just didn't know we'd become involved. Somewhere, I knew it was a possibility, her dying, but I never took notice. I jumped in. So ardently, and stubborn. Even when she tried to give me a way out. I didn't listen. I didn't want one. I'm such an idiot."_

 _"_ _No, you're not,"_

 _"_ _No."_ Kelly agrees, _"I don't regret it for a second. Any of it. It's never been this fast, this intense."_

 _"_ _Well, maybe that's because you knew you might not have time. You let yourself go, as not to miss out on the time you had."_

 _"_ _I didn't think of it like that."_ Kelly says earnestly, taking Matt's words in. _  
"Still, it's been almost a year since you and I had that talk on the roof, and I'm back to square one."_

 _"_ _No, Kelly, you're not. You did a great thing this year. Your donation gave Anna a few more months to live and you made those months count. You fell in love. That's not nothing. Don't go back on that."_

 _"_ _I'm not. I can't. I love her."_

.

They sit in silence for a while, each going over their conversation.

Eventually, Matt breaks the silence, changing the subject and voicing a thought that's been sitting in the back of his mind.  
 _"_ _I kinda hate your apartment,"_ he says quietly, catching Kelly by complete surprise.

 _"_ _What?!_

 _"_ _Sorry. It's just so big and empty and distant. Characterless. So not like the place you shared with Shay."_

He looks at Kelly, trying to read his features and reaction _. "Do you really like it?"_

 _"_ _Well, it was a really good price when I got it. And I like the view. I thought it'd be cool to live in an industrial loft."_

 _"_ _There are no walls and no doors."_

 _"_ _It's just, a bit big for one person, I guess. All my furniture just floats in islands or whatever…"_

 _"_ _I could look into it, if you want, see if I can build you some walls. Or, our guest room offer still stands. You know that. Any time."_

 _"_ _Yeah, no, you guys are married now. It'd be too awkward. And I'm in a different place now. I don't mind this place. But thanks."_

 _"_ _You'll be alright here on your own?"_

 _"_ _Of course."_

It's only then they notice they're still holding hands. An awkward moment washing over them as they let go, stupid, bashful grins on their lips, as the images of the men they think they are and should be float in their heads and collide with their need for human connection.


	8. RADIO 3 (5X22)

**RADIO 3 (5X22)**

 _"Severide? Can you hear me?"_

 _"Yes, Case, I'm here."_

To say he was surprised at Matt's sudden address to him was an understatement. Stranded in a burning building, hearing Matt talk to Gabby, say his goodbyes over the radio, was heartbreaking beyond anything Kelly had ever experienced.

Trying to find his way out of the building, he didn't even have the time to think what losing Matt would mean to him, and then suddenly, Matt's voice was calling his name over the radio.  
A wave of nausea floods him so badly, he has to stable himself against a wall.

 _"Kelly,"_ Matt's voice is barely audible over the roar of the flames, _"turn to channel 3."_

As his fingers automatically move to the radio, his mind yells at him to avoid changing channels at all cost. Only pain can come of that, hearing Matt say goodbye. But his fellow firefighter, the firefighter he trusts most in the world, the person he values most, his closest friend, had asked him to listen, in what he thinks are his last moments in life. Can he really ignore that? What if Matt isn't saying goodbye, but rather wants to try and figure a way out, a bold, stupidly heroic attempt to get out, can Kelly ignore that? It all flashed through his mind in seconds, before his fingers knowingly turn the switch.

 _"Kelly? Kelly?"_ he can hear Matt calling for him, waiting for his response on channel 3.

 _"I'm here, Matt."_

 _"Kelly,"_ he can hear the relief in Matt's voice, followed by a sudden panic. _"Where are you? Are you okay? Did you get out? Do you have a way out?"_

 _"Not yet. You?"_

 _"No, I can't. Kelly,"_

 _"Matt,"_

 _"You have to get out, you have to find a way, fight,"_

 _"So do you, Matt, they're all wai-"_

 _"I love you, Kelly. You're my brother, my family, my best friend,"_

 _"Matt, don't do this,"_

 _"Kelly, listen to me. Don't give up. Promise me you won't give up. Even without me. You deserve happiness, Kelly. You'll find it, just don't give up."_

 _"Matt,"_

 _"Promise me,"_

 _"No."_

 _"Kelly,"_

 _"No. I can't promise that, and you can't give up. Find a way, Matt, dig, break, crank, find a fucking way, and meet me outside this goddamn building, because I'm not losing you today. I'm not losing you. I don't deserve this,"_

 _"No, you don't, Kelly, you deserve good, and happiness and love. You're a beautiful soul, Kelly, I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you deserve."_

 _"No, Matt, you-"_

 _"Get out of this building, Kelly,"_ Matt's voice is suddenly stern. _"That's my last wish. Get out of this building, and take care of Gabby for me. I'm sorry."_

With that the line went silent, leaving Kelly heavy-hearted, broken and angry. Following Matt's actions, he eventually returns to channel 1, where desperate orders and frantic updates of fellow firefighters can be heard.


	9. VERSO (6X09)

**VERSO (6X09)**

 _"Hey! Severide!"_ Matt calls out, stopping Kelly on his way out to the apparatus floor. Kelly raises his eyebrows, clearly surprised by the harsh tone. _"What's all this you and Gabby? Sneaking around? Disappearing together?"_

 _"It's not like that, Matt. It's just this girl – Bria, - she's disappeared and Dawson's looking for her."_

 _"Yeah, but this was before she'd disappeared. You're everywhere I look."_

 _"Dawson came to me to ask for my opinion, because of my childhood, I guess, my experience with -"_

 _"Oh, cause I wouldn't know shit about growing up on the streets, or in the system, would I?!"_

 _"Whoa, Matt. I was just at the right place at the right time. I was there when Dawson picked the kid up, and I was there when she called Dawson for help. It was a coincidence."_

 _"And going looking for her last night?"_

 _"I was at Molly's when Dawson decided to go. I wasn't going to let her do it on her own. As determined and kick-ass as she is, it's still dangerous. I was looking out for her."_

 _"That's my job, Kelly. Why didn't you think to let me know?"_

 _"I don't know what you want me to say, Case."_ Kelly loses his patience, sick of being blamed and stuck in the middle. He doesn't know what Dawson's playing at, pushing Matt away and coming to him, but he can't let that girl slip through the cracks. _"Dawson came to me! I didn't initiate any of it."_ his voice rises, " _And I don't owe you a report on what I do. I told her to talk to you. If you've got a problem with Dawson, you should take it up with her."_

He can see the color leaving Matt's face, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

 _"She's my family, Severide. She's all I've got."_ Matt's pleas suddenly, his voice changing to soft and scared _. "Please don't take my family from me."_

Kelly's heart brakes at that, he hadn't thought about it to that extent. He can see Matt's wall crumbling down as his fears reveal themselves. The anger he'd started this conversation with dissipating into helpless anguish. Family is Casey's one weakness. Lacking the experience, he constantly feels inadequate, perpetually afraid of messing things up and losing his family again. Kelly can't imagine what losing Louie meant to Matt; Dawson having been the focus of everyone's attention when it happened. But in his short life, Matt had lost not only his parents but a fiancé and now a child. Dawson pulling away must terrify him to his core. Her erratic behavior shines even more careless and cruel _._ Kelly is quick to placate Matt's anxiety, holding himself back from wrapping his arms around Matt. Instead, he just takes one small step closer, holding Matt's gaze.

 _"I would never do that Matt. Ever. I'm not the enemy, not a competition, Matt. I just wish you'd see me as your family too."_

 _"She won't talk to me_ ," Matt whispers, his blue eyes huge and desperate. In a heartbeat, he'd moved from blaming Kelly, to asking for his help _. "She won't let me in, won't tell me what's she's going through. I don't know why, or what to do. I don't know what I've done wrong."_

 _"You've done nothing wrong, Matt. Dawson just needs to see this through, sort it out for herself. She knows how hard losing Louie was for you. She feels guilty about putting you through that, now she feels guilty about this girl…"_

 _"Why do you get to know all of this, and I don't?"_

 _"Because she doesn't love me, Matt, she loves you. And she's scared of failing you again and losing you and hurting you. She can't help caring, but she hates to be wrong and this whole thing rings Louie all over again."_

 _"Yes, it kind of does."_

 _"I'm sorry, Matt."_

 _"What should I do?"_

Kelly knows it kind of ridiculous, him being the one to give relationship advice, to Matt of all people. But Matt looks so scared, and he's let his guard down for a tiny moment, relying on Kelly with his need, and Kelly would never fail him.

 _"Just let her know you're here for her, Matt, she'll come around. And don't give up on her."_

 _"I never would,"_ Matt says, nodding as he takes Kelly's words in. " _Thanks, Kelly."_ He says, squeezing Kelly's shoulder before walking away.

 _"No, you never would,"_ Kelly says as watches Matt go. His voice sad, and something else resonates between his words.


	10. LIKE A DUCK TO WATER (6X12)

**Like a duck to water** (6X12)

 _"You're an idiot,"_ Severide says, unable to suppress his smile, as he reaches Matt. Both of them still wet to their bones and wrapped in industrial blankets. They burst out in laughter as their eyes meet; the adrenalin rush along with the relief of surviving the explosion, the jump and the river catching up to them. _"But I wouldn't jump off a five-story building for anyone else,"_ he says as he wraps Matt quickly in his arms, squeezing tightly.

 _"With me,"_ Matt corrects. _"Not for me."_ His eyes growing sincere as he pulls back from their embrace. _"I'm sorry, that was on me. And it was too close. I'm sorry,"_

 _"Feel like I'm one life down,"_ Kelly jokes absentmindedly.

 _"You can have one of mine,"_ Matt retaliates humorously, but Kelly grows serious, a deep frown adorning his features.

 _"No, Matt."_ he waves a finger in Matt's face. " _You need all the lives you can get, and you are way to close on the count. You hear me, no more brazen heroics on your part."_ The thought of something happening to Matt makes Kelly's stomach flop woozily. He suddenly remembers the feeling of dread as he woke up not knowing what happened to Matt as they hit the water.

 _"Well it was because of you that we were up there in the first place,"_ Matt interject, overwhelmed by Kelly's response.

 _"Yeah, well, I wasn't losing anyone else due to lack of venting. The valve was there, so I was there."_

 _"I'm sorry, Kelly,"_ Matt says again quietly, the not-so-subtle reference Kelly was making hitting him like a punch to the gut.

 _"Me too."_ Kelly answer just as quietly, and just as frankly. _"And thank you for saving my life,"_ he smiles.

 _"Anytime, brother."_


	11. BEER (6x13)

Beer _(6X13)_

 _"Beer,"_ Severide says determinedly as they stand by the police car, having just said goodbye to the Chief and Jay. By the time they'd finished giving their statements about everything that had happened on the tracks and how they stopped crazy Shepard from blowing himself up, their shift was well over. They just needed to get back to 51 to change and they were free to go. _"Overtime's buying."_ Severide jokes.

…

 _"What did I say about brazen heroics?!"_ Severide shouts in Matt's ear over the music at Molly's. _"That's twice in two weeks, that you made us jump head-first into our possible deaths."_

 _"Me? I was following your lead."_

 _"My lead? You were all at him the moment your eyes clocked him."_

 _"Yeah well, you were the one to lunge at him without taking a moment to think. I was just on your heels to dismantle the device out of his hand."_

 _"No, man,"_ Severide shakes his head _, "I was on your heels. There was no way I was letting you tackle him alone."_

They both look at each other for a moment, a quizzical silence spreading between them. Then their faces break out in equal grins as their different perceptions sink in and they realize they both had each other's backs, blindly, both trying to prevent the other from being at risk rather than themselves.

 _"You're both idiots,"_ Antonio's voice cuts through their bubble as he joins their table with Gabby and Brett in tow. " _but you did a great job today._ _Chicago's finest_." He says raising his glass, and they all grunt their assent and join their glasses.

.

 _"I'm gonna head off,"_ Severide says as he finishes his drink, already pulling his jacket on.

 _"Everything okay,"_ Matt says quietly, grabbing Kelly's arm and pulling him close for a private moment. His eyes search Kelly's to gauge his mood.

 _"Yeah, yeah."_ Kelly says distractedly, _"a bit of a fifth wheel and all,"_ he waives his hand lightly indicating Matt and Gabby, Antonio and Brett.

 _"You are never a fifth wheel, Kelly, you hear me?"_ Matt's tone suddenly changed to strict and serious.

 _"Yeah, well,"_

 _"I mean it. never."_ Matt tugs on Kelly's arm to emphasize his words. _"You want us to get out of here? I'll come with you,"_

 _"No, no, Matt. It's fine. Stay. Enjoy your evening. Kidd is at home anyway,"_ he adds, hoping it will work as a palpable reason to leave. Matt knows their undefined status has been lingering in Kelly's mind, this could be vague enough to work as an excuse.

 _"Okay. Breakfast tomorrow?"_ Matt tries to postpone the inevitable.

 _"If you mean brunch, then sure,"_ Kelly answers, grinning cheekily with the tickling thought of sleeping in.

 _"You're on,"_ Matt chuckles contently, giving Kelly's shoulder one last squeeze.


	12. ONE OF THOSE DAYS

**ONE OF THOSE DAYS**

Mid-shift one day, Matt walks into the firehouse' changing room, to find Kelly, just out of the shower, sitting shirtless, his head down and his features dark with thought. His shoulders are hunched and stiff, his back bruised curiously, raging with blues and greens and yellow. Before long, not noticing Matt, Kelly moves heavily, stretching to reach his back to treat it with ointment when he grunts with pain as his sore ribs act up at the odd angle.

 _"Shit, Sev, what happened?"_ Matt whispers, startling Kelly as he approaches him.

 _"Nothing, I'm fine,"_ Kelly grunts quietly in answer. _"Took an extra shift, wasn't quick enough; got snagged by a falling beam."_ He says curtly, as he stretches further, his fingers skimming along the angry skin.

 _"May I?"_ Matt asks hesitantly almost without thinking. It's as if Kelly's bruised skin calls to him, pulls him to sits down behind Kelly. Kelly's eyes find Matt's, reading them deeply before he nods once in assent. Matt's nimble fingers raise slowly up to Kelly's back, rubbing the cream tentatively into his tender muscles.

 _"You okay?"_ Matt asks softly, his tone full worry and care.

 _"Think I'm getting too old for this"_ Kelly answers darkly, and Matt is unsure if he's serious or sarcastic.

 _"You're not even 40,"_ Matt tries to lighten the mood, _"What's Mouch gonn'a say?"_

But Kelly remains silent, his eyes glued to the floor. His hand moves slowly to take hold of Matt's hand, he brings it forward, placing Matt's arm across his chest, holding it in place with laced fingers. His eyes close as if he seeks energy or comfort from the contact.

Surprised as he is, Matt doesn't fight him or pull back. Though he's not sure what's brought this on, he's happy to be of any help and consolation to Kelly, a warm odd feeling rushes through him. He's known such days - where the job and the world seem to be too much, where you feel small and powerless and scared. It's not always clear why, you can't always explain it, but he knows, on such days, he seeks human contact, comforted by the thought that he's not alone. He'd do almost anything on such days to be held by someone, the momentary protection a simple hug can give, the promise of sharing the burden of one's own mind.

He can feel it's what Kelly needs, but he's unsure how he'd react, how far he'd let things go. Matt's other hand lifts timidly to Kelly's hair, carding lightly through it, his fingertips stroking his scalp. They sit there together for a few minutes, allowing the silence to fill the space between them, engulf them in a heavy calmness.

Their bubble is burst suddenly with the noise of the two-way door, and the loud voices of Otis and Cruz, as they busy themselves in the adjacent toilets. Matt can feel a shudder go through Kelly as he's woken abruptly from his stupor. Kelly hurriedly pulls Matt's hand up to his lips, laying a flittering kiss of gratitude on the inside of his wrist, before letting go and getting up, busing himself with getting dressed and leaving the locker room before his shirt is even fully tucked into his pants. Not a word, not a look, no recognition. As though it never happened. And yet, it did.

Matt remains there, sitting on the bench, overwhelmed and surprised by the sudden moment they'd shared, Kelly's complete exposure and vulnerability, and him – Matt - being the one he'd sought solace from. A million questions run through his head regarding why, and what had happened, and what's going on with Kelly, and what it all means. But they're on shift, both on duty, with responsibilities, they're Casey and Severide, and Kelly is obviously not ready or willing to talk, and anyway, they don't really do - talking.

Getting up, Matt mentally wraps their moment up, treasuring it deep in his mind, or his heart, adding it to the ever-growing collage of wonderful facets of Kelly Severide he's had the honor and opportunity to collect throughout their many years of acquaintance and friendship.


	13. MY SIDE (7x01)

**MY SIDE (7x01)**

 _"Hey,"_ Kelly greets him carefully while leaning against the frame of his office door, half his body still in the shared area. _"I just saw Dawson heading out,_ " he says, pointing his thumb over his shoulder, the question clear in his voice and his expression.

 _"Yeah,"_ Matt answers, _"she came to get the rest of her stuff."_

 _"She, - what?"_ Kelly moves inside the office, closing the door behind him.

 _"Yeah, she's been offered a permanent position there, and she's taking it. I came home last night to find her packing her bags, so…"_

 _"Shit, man. That's. that's…. shit. I'm sorry."_

 _"Yeah."_

 _"Matt,"_

 _"Listen, Kelly, I really need you on my side on this,"_

 _"I am. You know I am."_

 _"No, I mean really. My side."_ Matt gets up, facing Kelly _. "No getting in my face and giving me relationship advice like last shift. My decisions. At my pace."_

 _"Okay,"_ Kelly says, his voice accepting and final. _"Only as long as you don't jump head first into your possible death."_ his eyes don't leave Matt's.

 _"Okay, that's fair. That was stupid, I agree. But, you know,"_ Matt steps back and begins pacing the length of his office, _"I was lying there, under that elevator, realizing what a stupid decision it was to jump in, and you know what I was thinking? My thought was, 'she won't know. I'm going to die, and she's all the way in Puerto Rico. Someone will have to tell her over the phone or a text message. And she'll feel so guilty.' And you know what? I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel guilty, for the first time in forever. I didn't even feel angry anymore."_ He goes on pacing and talking, not letting Kelly put a word in, but letting it all out as Kelly has never heard him speak.

 _"I stood at home that morning before shift, looking at her jacket and I was angry. I was so angry. She succeeded to make me feel guilty for so long, worse; she succeeded to make me feel incompetent. Not as a firefighter, but as a husband, as a man. You know, when they took Louie away she asked when we were going to be a family. And the thing was, she wanted me to give her a family, but she never saw me as her family. I was never enough. I would do anything to make her happy, anything, except let her kill herself by getting pregnant again. And she held that against me. She accused me of what? Being selfish? Not loving her enough? Not wanting children?"_ Tears were running down his cheeks, but he takes no notice. Kelly doesn't dare move or make a sound, confound by how absorbed Matt was in his own head, his own monologue as if he's slowly climbing out of a deep lonely hole that was this last year with Gabby _. "I've always wanted children. Always. That's what broke Halley and I apart. And Gabby knew that. But to suggest I endanger her in order to have kids? It's as if she didn't see me at all. How could she ask me to watch her die? Me? After everything and everyone I've lost?!_ " He finally raises his eye to find Kelly gapping at him speechless.

 _"I took your advice last shift and called her. And you know what? She was so happy. So happy. She found a place for herself, a place where she can be brilliant and make a difference. She's happy there like she hasn't been here in a really long time. But it didn't even register for her, that I was heartbroken with missing her. Heartbroken over losing my family, again. You think I don't know? I don't feel guilty and incompetent, that I can't seem to keep a family? But she doesn't even seem to think about that. About me. And yesterday, when I came home, she didn't even ask me how I am, how I've been doing. She said there are people that give up everything to go over there, and at first, I thought, 'she thinks I haven't given up enough for us? After waiting for her through her firefighter's training, and through her being a candidate, after Louie, after that horrible experience as alderman? I'm the one that hasn't given enough?' but you know what I realized? What she was actually saying was that she's willing to give us up. She's willing to give us up for Puerto Rico. She ran all the way over there, running away from our disagreement, from our fight, claiming I wasn't willing to do enough to be a family. But she's the one that's giving us up. So, I'm done. I'm not feeling guilty anymore. I'm not even feeling angry anymore. I'm happy for her. I'm sad for us. But I can't give anything more of myself for her. I won't."_ He says, calming his breath back down.

 _"But you,"_ he pokes the air in front of Kelly's chest, _"need to decide. Either you're on my side, or you keep it to yourself. Because I'm done feeling guilty and trying to satisfy her, or anyone except myself. Even if it sounds a bit selfish. I don't want to feel like I'm the bad guy. I don't think I'm a bad person, I don't think I'm more selfish than the next guy, but I'm not sure I like the man she made me become."_ His eyes burn blue into Kelly's, determination set on his face _._

It takes Kelly a few moments to find his tongue, his mind reeling with new knowledge and an avalanche of feeling at Matt's revelations and words. _"I'm sorry,"_ he stutters, _"I'm sorry. I, you're, I – I didn't know. And you're right. And I am always, always on your side. Always going to be on your side. I didn't mean to hurt you when I pressed you to make an effort with Dawson. I thought it's what you really wanted, under the hurt pride. I didn't know. I'm sorry."_ They hold their gazes a few moments longer.

 _"Okay."_

"And y _ou're not selfish. You're probably the least selfish person I have ever met. Selfless, maybe. To a dangerous point of risking your life for others, obviously. Has been proven on almost every shift."_

 _"Look who's talking… I heard you jumped on that construction worker at the Fulton Depot…"_

 _"Yeah, that was…"_

 _"Dumb?"_

 _"Necessary,"_ Kelly answers opposingly, and they both chuckle lightly, knowing neither of them would have it otherwise.

 _"You deserve to be happy,"_ Kelly braves again after a moment. There's so much more he wants to say but he can't find the words or the balls.

 _"Yeah, well,"_ Matt shrugs _._

 _"You do,"_

 _"I, - thanks. I think I'm just gonna focus on me for a while. Find what makes me happy again."_

 _"Sounds good,"_ Kelly nods. _"I'll be right here, on your side."_


	14. Words (7x07)

Kelly,

I know this is odd, me writing you a letter. It's not really something we do, at all... but, it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep, and I know why, so I'm putting pen to paper. Most of all, Kel, I want to tell you I'm sorry for your loss. Not only in a lip service sort of way, what any stranger would tell you. I'm sorry that you're hurting, Kel. And I'm sorry I don't have more to say, more words to convey, how I wish I could take some of your pain away. Know, at least, I share it with you. I hurt with you because I know what your dad meant to you. And though I don't know the details of your final meeting, I know how much impact he always had on you. How much hopes and expectations you had from one another, even when things were difficult and sour.

I want to tell you things you won't like hearing, things you probably know and find hard to accept – but I wish you would. The Chaplin said today, at the hospital that there are some things that can't be said too many times, things that we can never hear enough of. So, I'm going to write them down.

1) I love you, Kelly.

2) Of all the great things you father ever did, a great firefighter as he once was, I think you are the best thing he's ever done. The best piece of good he's ever given the world. And I'm grateful for that, and to have met you, and be lucky enough to have you in my life, near or far.

3) I know growing up for you was a constant struggle to find your own way, a battle to be released from everything you deemed unworthy in Benny. I want you to know, I think you've succeeded. You're living your own life, according to your own moral compass. You've grown and strived into your own place, on your own accord, and it's a just place filled with love. You've succeeded to take from Benny only the good things and make them even better. There are days I look at you and I hope I've succeeded to become an ounce of the honest, true, brave man you are. You fight for what you believe in, for the people you care for, even when it means taking on the world. I hope you'll always let me be on your side, at your side, to take the world on with you.

4) Even if you and Benny had your differences (and Benny and I as well) – I know, and I hope you'll come to see, how very proud he was of you. How he kept looking for your company, kept trying to make better of his ways, so he'd be worthy of your appreciation. Even if it didn't always come out right or clear. He was proud of you Kelly, because anyone who knows you, who takes the time to see what and how you do, is proud of you.

5) I know you're hurting, Kelly, but I want you to remember you're not alone. Everyone around you wants to be there for you. I am here for you, for anything. To talk, to cry, to sit quietly and drink, to pass the time. I know your default is to push people away, and I see you struggling with it now, and I want you to know it won't work; however hard you push. I am here to make sure you come out the other side. Even if it seems we've drifted apart, even if and when you have other people as well, I am here. You can come to me, you can count on me, you can lean on me. I am here.

I have more to say, but I think this is enough for now… I hope you'll excuse the oddity of this and accept my words as condolences. I wish I could give you more.

I love you, Kelly, always,

Matt


End file.
